Can’t go back to the way we were…
Hitting the wall.
Going to die.
Can’t turn back, I’ll never be found.
Black and white were never right
Times like these seem to grow into flight
I’m free falling 99 mph can’t stop, won’t slow down.
Not sure how to help myself this time around.
So down I fall, fall, fall.
Of all the friends we’ve loved and lost;
We’ll watch the ocean come and go.
All our loves washed up like an old rag doll.
Oh shore, why aren’t you kind, why are you not kind?
I’m tired of watching the tide come in and out.
But it’s so hard with this loves fatigue.
To remember what it felt like to be in love.
why can’t I lose weight easily I mean I lose everything else without a problem
And I fell back in love with you, didn’t want to.
I’ve had a lot of time to think with my surgery and whatnot. I hate having this much time to think because I feel like it makes me crazy but not only crazy but scared. The more I think about things I get scared. Scared scared scared. When the fuck did I become so scared? But it’s not even that I’m REALLY scared. It’s that I’m not scared in some ways. That’s what scares me. I haven’t been weighing myself as much lately which is always good because that’s what has gotten me here with these feelings in the first place. I can’t even keep track of the melting pounds anymore. I’m starting to spiral, I can feel it and the problem is I don’t care. I want to lose more weight, I want to I’ve always wanted to. Now that I’m down to 108 I can see my finish line but I know once I get there I won’t be satisfied. What am I supposed to do when I get down to 100 and am still not satisfied? I’m going to want to lose 10 more pounds. All I see is fat, it’s all I’ve ever seen. The sad truth is that I know why I’m doing this, I know everything I just can’t stop. I hate it because I feel myself losing control and yet no one seems to notice. My mom doesn’t care, my dad is never around, and half the time I feel so alone. I’ve always felt alone no matter how many people are in my life saying they love me. I’m starting to think it’s me and no one else.
I was thinking the other night that I only need to lose 8 more pounds and I would have reached my goal of losing 47 lbs. What scares me is that I know I won’t be happy with it, how could i? I’m going to try and people are going to get worried but I just don’t care. That’s what scares me, ending up like Stephanie or Whitney. But that’s why I’ve surrounded myself with those kinds of people I suppose. The people you’re most alike. I can’t always live like this but I definitely don’t see myself changing anytime soon. The only thing that gives me happiness anymore is jumping on the scale and seeing that I’ve lost X amount of pounds.
I’m not comfortable yet admitting I have an eating disorder, I know how disappointed my mom would be after everything we’ve gone through with Stephanie and I know my brother would think I just want attention but I feel like I’m playing with fire and I know all the right answers but want all the wrong ones. Jamie has known since the beginning of our relationship that I’ve had eating issues and he always said if I relapsed I would no longer be apart of his life, but that’s obviously not true because he knows I’m struggling. Yet he never says anything, but what he does do that bothers me is ask me how much I’ve eaten that day in front of my mom which makes me feel panic-y and like he’s trying to tell my mom without telling her. She still has no clue whatsoever. I never thought I would grow up to be such a good liar, especially to my loved ones. All they do is love and all I do is hurt.
Isn’t it possible to love your personality just not your body?
Mom finally noticed I’ve lost weight. cool.